Focus Thought
In place of worry, take action.
Taking the Pain Out of Intimacy
I love my husband. Yet when the gripping tentacles of pain relentlessly attack, I have found it difficult to share a deep intimacy with him. It takes considerable patience, understanding, and commitment from both of us not to allow pain to control how we respond to each other. We are not alone in this dilemma. Eight out of every ten people experience back pain at some time in their lives. An estimated thirty five million Americans are hurting at any given moment. It is estimated that $61.2 billion is lost in productive time in the workforce per year due to pain.
Sexual intimacy is an integral part of marriage. For many, pain interferes with the sexual relationship, and can lead to mounting challenges to overcome in all aspects of marriage. They may not able to find a comfortable position due to muscle, nerve, or joint pain. Several conditions or previous injuries can make certain positions extremely uncomfortable, or impossible. Medications can also be a factor. It need not be one of the first things to abandon when one of you is suffering from pain. Even if pain has turned a once exuberant sex life into one plagued by infrequent and anxiety-ridden attempts, don’t give up.
The general health of the relationship plays a vital role in how a couple can overcome the challenges pain can inflict. Couples need support and practical advice to deal with the frustrations and limitations. If other issues were already present before the pain, they must be dealt with first. Injury and pain magnifies what hasn’t yet developed in the relationship. They must come to the deepest intimate level of trust, and share a willingness to experiment new ways to satisfy each other. There is a whole spectrum of pleasuring each other where they can share verbally, emotionally and physically.”
Unfortunately, this is a subject that most couples are reluctant to discuss with their doctors. Or, as we have found from personal experience, doctors tend to have limited advice. I suffered a spinal cord injury sixteen years ago, and found the general medical advice and support offered to us dismal at best. In fact we had to ask, as the subject was never brought up. We were basically told to figure it out on our own, and often it was suggested maybe we should seek counseling. Did they think our desire to enjoy intimacy disappeared with the feeling in my legs?
Finally we received some information from my at-home physical therapist. She was able to locate a very outdated pamphlet. We embarked on an obscure journey to find information on our own. The facts we found are shocking. According to a survey for the American Academy of Pain Management, back pain accounts for 51% of chronic pain complaints followed by general joint pain. Of the adults surveyed, 61% are women, and 72% have suffered with the pain for more than three years. Twenty eight percent felt pain has had an unfavorable effect on their marriage. So where can a couple find answers?
The first step is to have a heartfelt and completely honest discussion together in a safe environment. It is by communicating openly with your spouse that you will establish intimacy and a healthy sexual relationship. You must become comfortable sharing together the frustrations and feelings you both experience. There are many ways to give and receive pleasure, no matter what the degree of discomfort or bodily dysfunction exists. With new insight and willingness to explore other avenues of pleasure, you can uncover many ways to attain physical satisfaction. Share with each other what is and isn’t comfortable. Positions that are not comfortable in your day-to-day activities will not be comfortable during sex either. As you both embark on this journey together, remember that this can be emotionally charged and perhaps frustrating. The emotions evoked can run the gamut from anger to insecurity and guilt. You may find the following suggestions helpful.
Proceed with care and caution at all times. Go slowly and respect the limitations of your body. Remember, if it hurts, don’t do it. Deliberate planning is essential. Knowing your body’s best time will enhance your comfort and pleasure. Ask yourself: a) When are my muscles the least painful and my joints not so stiff? B) When am I the least tired? If you are like most people, just before going to sleep at night is the common time to be intimate. However, for most individuals with chronic pain, this may be your worst time. Don’t be afraid to be different! Planning a romantic rendezvous in the afternoon is a wonderful alternative. Keep in mind, when planning, to eliminate as much as possible the demands of your daily life. Let the housework go, find a babysitter, take the phone off the hook. Put the world on hold. The most important thing is to plan time to be with your mate.
Pacing daily activities will often lessen pain and fatigue. Any sexual activity can be made more pleasurable by preceding it with a gentle massage, a warm shower, or bath taken together. Try warming the bed in advance with an electric blanket to add comfort to muscles and joints. Sometimes the application of ice can be beneficial. Focus on your strengths rather than your limitations. Keep an open mind and be willing to try something new. It may end up being very enjoyable, and may even help you avoid pain.
A trip to the library may also be in order. A word of caution, though, be selective in what you choose. You may find some books offensive or too explicit.
You may also consider consulting your doctor or chiropractor, a pain management therapist and/or a physical therapist.
Sexual intimacy is more than just intercourse. Rather, it is a way to show pleasure through both the mind and body. With relaxed attitudes, more open communication and new approaches to enjoy intimacy you can rediscover what you have lost, and also build a better sex life than you had before pain invaded your life.
Family Focus
My oldest grandson (8 years old) and I enjoy a special time together that we call “Thursday Tea Time”. When he comes home from school we have hot tea served with a cookie and an Andes mint. We discuss how his week has been going and talk about plans for the coming week. The idea is mainly just to get him to share his feelings in a safe and calm environment. We both love the “just us” time. Try the same thing or something similar that you can do with each of your children individually. They crave it and need it. And it helps build a path for deeper discussions as they grow up.
Week’s Verse
Hebrews 13:5
“Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”
Weekly Recipe
Easy Yeast Dough
3 cups warm water
3 pkgs. Dry quick yeast
1 egg, beaten
½ cup sugar
½ cup vegetable oil
1 Tbsp. sea salt
6-7 cups flour
In large bowl sprinkle yeast over water, then mix in remaining ingredients except flour. Add flour till soft ball and a little sticky. Cover, let rise till doubled. Relax dough by gently pushing fist into center of dough. Turn out onto floured surface and gently shape into biscuits, pizza dough or roll out to make cinnamon rolls, etc. Do not knead! Place on lightly greased baking sheet. If biscuits or rolls top with melted butter. Let rise one more time. Bake at 375 degrees for 15- 20 minutes.
Weekly Book
I highly recommend the book Sex & Back Pain- Advice on Restoring Comfortable Sex Lost to Back Pain by Lauren Andrew Hebert, PT. This book offers excellent practical advice with illustrations and covers emotional and physical issues. Siang-YangTan, Ph.D. offers a strong Christian perspective in Managing Chronic Pain. These two are just a sampling of what you may find available at your local library.
Weekly Websites
There is a multitude of information to be gleaned from the Internet. Google search under chronic pain and sex to get you started. Try www.healthsystem.virginia.edu, www.the-health-pages.com, and www.sexualhealth.com to start your own search.
Couple Time
On a clear evening go star gazing together. Don’t forget the warm drinks and blanket!
Couple Question! Take the time now to discuss as a couple how you have handled times when pain or illness has interfered with your intimacy. Did you handle it in a way that was positive for both of you? How can you improve for the next time?
Concerns & Celebrations
Concern- Please pray for the Comer family. Their 5 month old son, Garrett is having open heart surgery on Friday.
Celebration- Congrats to Josh and Jaime Leigh Greene on their new addition, Jocelyn!
Celebration- Happy 19th birthday Kaelani! You are a true gift from God!
Concern- Please pray for everyone who has lost a loved one and are feeling sad at the thought of the coming holidays. May their coming days be filled with more sweet memories than tears.
Do you have a concern or celebration to share? Let me know and I will include it. I keep them anonymous unless you request your name be included.
Kid’s Classics
Sarah tossed the warm sheets just out of the dryer onto her bed to fold later, and then went to make lunch. When she called the kids to eat, 3 year old Jolie couldn’t be found anywhere. Frantically Sarah called her husband home from work and many friends to help find her. They looked all over the neighborhood. An hour later, Jolie was found sound asleep under the sheets Sarah had taken out of the dryer.
Come on readers, please send your stories!
Comments Corner
From Betty Deguilio:
I buy gingerbread house kits at the end of the Christmas season and store them till after Thanksgiving the following year. I also buy candy on sale after Halloween. Then I have an inexpensive project to make with our kids and grandchildren of all ages. The year old house parts don't break as easily as fresh ones do.
An adult (not necessarily the parent) and a child work together on each house, even with the teenagers. This started about 6 years ago and it has become a tradition because they enjoyed it so much and asked to do it again each year. Gingerbread or molasses cookies are a great treat while they are working on their houses.
When the kids take their houses home, it's a memory they keep with them through the rest of the holiday season. I've even seen some still on display into February. We pray they will learn to treasure do things together and loving each other have a greater value than what gifts they want for Christmas.
I would like us to share Christmas holiday ideas and traditions over the next few months. Please send yours to the email listed below and I will include them!
Comments and suggestions are really welcomed here! Let me know what you think or what you would like to share! E-mail is pavient73@comcast.net
Have a blessed week everyone!
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